Archive | September, 2016

Adulting is Hard

27 Sep

This morning it was raining.  And cold.  And our jackets are in a box somewhere amongst our packed things.  Our umbrella broke last spring and I refused to let my little one spend $30.00 on a Princess Sofia one.  

And my van is in the shop with a broken transmission right before our moving day.

I could let my middle daughter skip school to avoid a damp walk.  But I’m letting her miss two days while we transition to our new home.

So we walked.  My still-healing foot bone ached in the damp air, and my brain just didn’t have the patience for the slow stroll to school.  My daughter with Down Syndrome doesn’t move fast.  Unless she is sneaking something she didn’t ask for (tablet, food, or Mom’s jewelry).  My brain didn’t want to go slow.  It was busy adulting and annoyed at the saunter.

I still need to pack the medicine cabinet.  What can we live without for day?  Do I have enough boxes to finish packing?  I think I have enough cleaning supplies.  Did I wipe down my closet?  Or just Dad’s?  I hope my oldest doesn’t get sick today.  Who would I call to pick him up?  I could call a cab, but I don’t think I have cash left.  I hope he remembers to bring home his diabetic supplies.  He grabbed extra bags today.  I wish I didn’t have to cancel my appointment today.  But maybe it’s better this way.  Most of my prescriptions are refilled, when do I pick them up?  How long do I have before I need to refill the others?  Can I make it with what I have for a few weeks?

My brain flutters with my adult thoughts and I try to just get to school so I can get home and pack and clean some more.  Then my youngest stops.  “Mom! Look! Purple flowers!” as she stops to view purple somethings along the sidewalk (I do not have anything close to a green thumb.  My plants are fake in my house so my cat doesn’t dig them up or eat them.)  My other girl stops to touch them as well too and signs flower.  

And I turn off my adulting.  And stop to admire the spots of purple along our walk.  Giggle as my girls race each other down the path.  Feel the cool fall air and admire the changing colors of the trees.

I just stop.  To be.  I need to do that more.  It makes the adulting a bit easier.

Sunshine and flowers

20 Sep

I’m not an optimist.  I’m not always a pessimist either (even with the things that make me worry).  I like to see myself as a realist.

But sometimes I need a pick me up.  Some days feel endless, some days I’m caught in the trap of my mind where I test my youngest for diabetes at the slightest symptom because I missed her brother’s early symptoms, cry because I ask my middle daughter how was her day for the millionth time in her school career.  Even knowing that she will only say hi.  And unless I get a note or a project in her backpack I have no clue how her day was.  

Some days are hard.  And I know there are others handling worse things. There are others also handling easier things.  Truth? 

That doesn’t matter.  This is me and I need to acknowledge and take care of me. I am important too.

So in this moment I pause and look at my shrubs to see if they need weeding.  And instead of weeds are flowers.  I didn’t plant them.  I don’t know how they grew there, but I welcome the beauty.  These sunny yellow flowers are my gift to pause and reflect.  And see the endless beauty of life.  And love.  To enjoy the moment.  And sunshine. 

And know that I have a purpose here.  And I am not alone in my journey.  And life really, really is good.

It Will Be Okay

17 Sep

Throughout my life I’ve picked up and relocated a few times.  Leaving high school to go to college.  The moment in college that my boyfriend graduated and took a job across state.  I transferred in my senior year of college and planned a wedding then.  When I became pregnant with our son and my husband had to choose between “possibly having a local job” or relocating and definitely having a job.  And then another two years down the road when said job hit a standstill and neither of us was happy where we were.  

We then moved here.  After a brief stink of living in my father-in-law’s place we found our house.  A fixer-upper we could afford in a very pretty location.  And that’s where we’ve been.

Through ups and downs.  The birth of two more children.  Heart surgery.  Diabetes.  An MBA.  Countless home improvements.  Adding two dogs to our family.  And another cat.  Twelve years of memories.  

Now we find ourselves less than two weeks from our new adventure in another city.  And I’m panicking wondering how to pack and clean everything.  If we have everything we need for school.  Adding any pending medical appointments (as I have to find new providers after all).  Saying goodbye to some really amazing people I have met throughout the years.

Truthfully.  I’m petrified, thrilled, and worried all at the same time.  When the anxiety hits I remind myself.

You have done this.  Look how awesome that turned out.

It will be an amazing adventure where you will find where you are meant to be next.

It will be ok.  Really it will.

So if you see me out and about buying more cleaning gloves or packing tape, you may see my permanent brow furrow.  I’m probably thinking of everything that needs to be done.  And I might be procrastinating as the same part of me that’s ready to move is also already missing my mountain, friends, and the serenity of my living room view.

If I’m muttering to myself I may just be repeating that it will be okay.  Sometimes I just need that reminder.  You’re welcome to tell me that too.

Paying It Forward

3 Sep

Today I brought my youngest to Walgreens to pick up some refills of medication.  We browsed the office supplies, and she stopped to pick out a treat for herself.  Walking to the pharmacy counter I passed a woman studying bandage tape and remembered being there a few weeks ago with my broken foot bone.

We paid for the medicine and got in the checkout line for the rest of our hodgepodge of school supplies and treats.  I saw the woman who had been looking at bandages placing piles of coins sorted on the counter where the cashier was patiently recounting.  The cashier smiled and said “your purse must feel so much lighter now!” and totaled the amount.

The woman was in tears as the cashier said she was still short.  She stared at her bag and asked if she could put something back.  Her eyes were heavy, I saw defeat in her body as she pondered what to put back.  The cashier asked the manager to do a void.

Here is where I asked how much she owed.  And dug in my purse without a second thought.  I thought of the sweet old man who had given my youngest the dollar bill for a treat the other day.  I thought how blessed I was to have a basket of miscellaneous unnecessary items.  And knew she had bandages in her bag.  I didn’t know what else she had.  Nor did I care.  The piles of coins, the look in her face as she tried to decide what she didn’t need.  That told me what she needed-all of it.

I had that exact amount of cash.  And handed it to the cashier whose eyes welled with tears. And the woman openly teared.  The cashier told me that she only had bandages in her bag. Again, I wouldn’t have judged or cared.  The woman then told me that they were for her granddaughter who broke her leg, but kept picking at her leg.  I asked how old she was (16 months) and said my girls would do that too as I hugged my youngest who was at my side.

She thanked me.  Her tired, watering blue eyes. Her voice and hands shaking.  Thanked me over and over.  I shook my head and said go take care of that baby:)  And she left.  We paid for our markers, pencil pouch, and HoHos.  Put my prescriptions in the bag and left ourselves.

She reminded me how grateful I am to be able to afford a treat now and then.  How healthy we all are right now (after all I have Das Booty!).  And it was the reminder that no matter what you are struggling with (juggling my time between work, packing, losing weight, and just getting everything we need to do done) there are others fighting their own battles.

So “have courage and be kind.”  Today was my turn.  I’d love to hear your stories too.  The world needs more kindness with all the hate.  Love is stronger than hate.