I am Loved

A friend asked today what forgiveness means.

After all, how many times have you heard it?  “Forgive me, but I forgot to turn the lights off.” or “Forgive me for stepping in your way.”

Yet rarely will you hear the honest apology to what hurts you the most.  So how do you forgive?  And what really is forgiveness?

There is a song by country music artist LeAnn Times “What I Cannot Change” that supports my theory in forgiveness.  Forgiveness is fluid.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget.  Forgiveness is part of love.  She sings “I will learn to let go what I cannot change and I will change whatever I can.”

The past stick us in a crack in the sidewalk unable to move on.  I can’t change what I’ve done.  I certainly cannot change what others have done.  But I can change myself.

I recently painted some wall decor for my girls.  Simply put they say “You are Brave.  You are Kind. You are Loved. You are Blessed.”  I am quick in pointing out the beauty in others.  I can list off a million and one characteristics of others I admire.  When I get to myself.  I stop.  I freeze and try to think of the good in me.  And it is really hard to pull that out some days.  But I don’t want that to happen to my children.  I want them to know how loved they are.  How wonderful and perfect they are even when they make mistakes.  I want them to feel that hug around them.  After all, they give that to me.

Thanks to the love of my family, my friends, even my blog readers.  Your replies on my blog mean the world to me.  I feel my heart tug each time something I write touches you or helps you.  Thanks to all of you I can see the good in myself as well.  I can see that I am able, beautiful, creative, dream-filled, engaging, feisty, grateful, happy, intelligent, joyful, kind, loving, mindful, nostalgic, open, persistant, quick, real, sassy, touched, unpredictable, vulnerable, weathered, (e)xtraordinary, yellowed, zany.

We cannot change others.  I do not think we can forget, but we can change ourselves.  It’s okay to distance yourself from pain.  It’s okay to feel the hurt, the anger, the love, the jealousy, all of that is okay.  To live is to feel.  But we need to build our own strength.

Surround yourself with people that love you.  People that build you up.  And help build up others.  It’s my job as a mother to let my children know they are loved.  That they might make mistakes.  And might be hurt by others mistakes.  But in order for them to love themselves I not only have to model that I love myself.  But believe it.  

So forgive me if I drift in and out in life, but I’m learning to love a really important person.  That’s me.  And she’s just as important as you are.

Blue Lights Are Special

My son is tough.  He has a kind heart, a great sense of humor and every day I watch him grow into this incredible young man.

But he has to be tough.  He has Type One Diabetes.  And all the exercise or food choices in the world will not cure him.  There is no cure for Type One or Juvenile Diabetes.

Being tough means spending most of a morning in the health room at school eating candy and drinking juice to try to raise your blood sugar over 70. 

Being tough means waking up after your insulin pump infusion set breaks off and you feel like vomiting.  Instead you replace it, inject insulin and drink water, knowing it will pass soon.  

Being tough means testing your blood sugar seven times a day.  Using your cell phone to track blood sugar data.  

Being tough means a day at the waterpark means stopping every hour at least to test and connect that insulin pump again.  

Being tough means going for a bike ride means bringing a test kit, quick sugars and water.

Being tough means listening to your mom or dad ask yet again “did you test?” or “did you bolus for all your food?”

Diabetes isn’t easy.  At all.  It requires a lot of support and knowledge.  And that’s one thing we can do to support others.

There are many reasons why we love our new community.  But what I love right now is their efforts in raising awareness and supporting others.  Waunakee has turned the town blue.

A free light bulb is given to anyone who wishes to support this cause.  And as you drive downtown you see the support.  A blue Christmas tree, blue lights wrapped around light posts, and countless houses with a blue light bulb on their front porch.

To a family that struggles with the real life challenges of diabetes it feels like a hug.  It feels like you’re not alone in this disease.  And it spreads awareness.  

Not to mention it shows how beautiful tough can be.

What Words Mean

Given that it’s Election Day and people are listening to many words this post seems fitting.  (And no, this is not a rant about politics.)

Remember when we were children singing nursery rhymes and songs (because there wasn’t television or electronic devices or gobs of toys around?) We played.  We sang.  And I remember being bullied as a child singing “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.”  Well, words do hurt.  I was hurt by them then, I still get hurt by them now.  I’m incredibly sorry if I hurt anyone out there by words.

The thing is-it really is your own insecurities that make you lash out.  In a defense manner.  I remember being furious at my parents as a child.  I didn’t have the nerve to scream at them, but I was angry.  Everyone experiences anger.  Everyone.

My youngest-wears her emotions on her sleeve.  When she’s angry at me-she’s cruel.

“You’re bad.”

“You’re a mean mom.”

“You’re not my mom”

“I don’t like you.”

“I want daddy, not you.”

Perhaps these are just words that a five year old girl throws in anger.  They come along with a full body tantrum.  She might hit me.  She usually doesn’t, but she screams these words at me with the blink of an eye.  While I’m glad she feels enough strength to express her anger rather than bottle it, I wish it wasn’t every day.  And directed at me.  Every day.

See, the thing is even if you KNOW that it’s not really you, words still hurt.  Hearing someone you love say they hate you, it hurts.  Calling someone names (even if it’s meant to be a joke) hurts.  

I’m not a perfect parent, friend, wife, daughter, sister.  I’m human.  I make mistakes.  But I try hard to instill kindness into my children and most of the time I’m lucky enough to see this in them.  I see the good in others more than the bad.  I became friends with some of those same people that have called me names.  I’m afraid every day that what I’m doing as a parent isn’t enough.  That’s one of my insecurities.

But words mean things.  Say “I love you.” Or say “How are you?” and listen.  Words are powerful.  Words can wrap you in a hug, or they can slap you in the face.

But we need to strengthen each other.  Love strengthens.  So I will continue to model love in my house even though it’s difficult at times.  And I will continue to love.  

Today will be about voting with my daughter and playing catch with a balloon and praising my girls for sharing.  We get to choose what we love.  We were given that gift.  So choose love words, not hate words.